Fourteen Years Ago

If you've heard me say, before, why having a November baby would mean so much to me - well, here it is again. But if you haven't, it's because I'm a sucker for milestones in my story. And for that, November is a goldmine. Apart from my own birthday in May and our wedding date in July, November is the month of major character introductions. Introductions to my story that alter it entirely... for the beautiful great grand good that my life has become.

I hadn't yet marked the passage of seven years with ol' Clifford on the blog yet, as that date is officially reserved for Saturday, but we did meet seven years ago - the first of this month, to be exact...

But today marks fourteen years. Fourteen years since my mom and I sat in an all-but-us-and-our-pastor's-wife empty Sunday School classroom and gave our lives to Christ. It was that night that I finally saw with such clarity and understanding, the truths about a man - and a God - I'd only really known of very, very casually the thirteen-and-a-half years of my life I'd lived before then. 

You see, I didn't grow up in the church the way a lot of people I know around here did. It was occasional relationship with the church I had, and by that, I mean for special occasions only. A Sunday mass with my dad's side for Christmas or Easter, weddings and funerals and christenings, and that's a lot of what I can remember. Nothing was every personal, it was just what you were supposed to do. Otherwise, life was just life and you sometimes gave thanks for what you had, but even that was nominal.

There is so much I could tell you about life up until the day I met... truly met and welcomed Jesus into my life. I didn't have an average thirteen and a half years on which to hinge my hope and trust - they were challenging. For the first time, I could see that night that God had been there all along, because as challenging of years as they were - an unseen hand had protected me when no one else really could. And not only had that hand protected me, but loved and cherished me in the way only a Creator truly can. The way I'd been longing to be known and treasured as a little girl who never got that, entirely. 

That promise, for me, was everything and I felt it to the very depths of my core. I was known and everything had a purpose and now I had full-unhindered access to the God behind it all. We drove away from church that night, and I swear to you, the sky was blacker and the stars brighter than they had ever been in my whole life. And still have been. What a shelter and refuge He became as thirteen-and-a-half years bled into some of the hardest years of my life - which would have been even more difficult had it not been for His leading.

And still He leads, now fourteen years later. Fourteen years that have been marked by unique seasons of seeing aspects of His character and finding Him refining pieces of my own. I have known no greater joy than knowing Him, nor have the joys He has introduced into my life been sweeter.

Every Last Bit

I am weepy, today. But thankfully, from a good place. Really, a beautiful place... where the promises of God suddenly flood into your heart and seem only to be able to escape from you in the kind of tears that blur your vision until they pour down your cheeks.

I wish I could tell you everything, but I don't really know how. Except that the realization, again, of who God is and has been in my life - particularly over the last few days - has been such a needed experience. Oh, I am independent. I am stubborn. And I have, for most of my life, believed that by doing things myself - on my own - they will not only a) get done but also, b) get done well. And then when they don't, I feel like a failure. 

But in that failure, if I let it be truly a point of learning and not wallowing, I can often see God again. I can known my need. And I can remember again that I AM NOT PERFECT. EVERYTHING IS NOT PERFECT. But it is all majesty, if we let us change our perspective.

So much of my life is dominated by fear and anxiety, and so few people really know that. Probably because I like to pretend it isn't the case. But there have been so many times over this past year, that, with the refining that has come with the changes going on inside of me, I haven't been able to pretend. I've had to be honest. And that honesty pushes me, fortunately, towards God and my need for Him. And anything I am capable of doing... being... knowing... it is BECAUSE of Him.

What have I to fear?

Which of my anxieties can He not take?

I can trust.

And in trusting, let go - more and more, every day.

We learn things, sometimes, as if we have never learned them before. I, instead, think of it as stages of learning the same thing. That as life progresses, our need to apply and understand simple truths will look different in all of those circumstances. And for me, this lesson of both opening myself up to the Grace of God and learning grace for myself has never been more profound than right now. Nor, was it more profound than my season of unemployment and self-discovery after finishing my masters. Or even before that, spending a half a year apart from a man I loved with all of my heart, not knowing exactly what our future held but hoping for God's best.

And now, as we draw closer to this newest season... I see it more clearly. Even if I can't understand it fully, I know that God is in the middle of every last bit of it.

Tolerance

Hey everyone! Cliff here. I know it's been a while like usual but I thought I'd take a second to post a little something that I heard this morning and was thinking about a little today. This morning for our staff devotions at work a pastor came to speak to us. It was a little different than normal but still very interesting. Most of what he spoke about was a word that we commonly hear thrown around a lot, "Tolerance." He went on to speak and quote some things about the current affairs of Christianity and Islam throughout the world today. Mainly though he focused on Europe and North America. I don't believe that this guy was pushing any particular agenda but was instead expressing a very real issue and problem that our culture and others are facing throughout the world as it relates to the spread of Islam.

That being said, that is not what I was thinking so much about because I pretty much agreed with the things that he said based on my past experiences and travels. In the beginning of his talk he quoted Aristotle and what he once said about Tolerance. Here is the quote:

Aristotle: "Tolerance & apathy are the last virtues of a dying society"

So my question that I asked myself today was, "am I tolerant?" And if so, "what am I tolerant of?" Also, "Am I too tolerant?"

One thing that I have always thought that was funny for example is how many people push and fight for Christians and individuals from a Christian background and culture to be "tolerant" of them and their cultures & religions, however, it does not seem as though they do not reciprocate that back. Maybe I am missing a little something, but that is what I see from my end. Why is it that we have to always be the ones who are quiet and do not stand up for ourselves? Are we ashamed of who we are? Do we really not believe in what we say we do? Would we actually be willing to die (as many Muslims do for example) for the sake of our beliefs?

Whether you're a Christian or not, I think that it's an interesting thing to ask yourself. I think that it may be something that most of us are not that comfortable talking about as well.

Also, here is another point. If you are a person who says that there are no absolutes in the world, just by making that statement are you not stating that there is in fact an absolute?

So, that being said...what do YOU think??? What your thoughts on this? What's your gut reaction? What do you think will happen to our society in the next 25-50 years? I would honestly be interested in knowing what you think if you would like to share. If not...then you can just ignore this post as a crazy "Cliff Rant" and my lovely wife will make up for me with a great post here soon. (Also, if you've actually taken the time to read this far...thanks for putting up with my rant.)

John Eldredge on "Time Out"

What an incredibly challenging concept.

I can't help but see how true this often is in my own life. How often I have lived in that "third kingdom" without recognizing the "reality presented [in Scripture] allows for only two kingdoms" and that "Any life or joy or rest comes only as we abide in God, and walk with him. Not through this mythical time out I want to cling to."

What do you all think?

I'm Not Ashamed

In fact, I'm thankful that something like this:



and the entire "Planet Earth" DVD series (as well as "Hoppipolla" by Sigur Ros) brings me to tears. For me, it's impossible to separate my love for nature and for wildlife from an awareness of and sometimes a deep understanding of God's creative and awesome majesty.

Wow. Just, wow.

What Life Are You Waiting For?

My boss handed me an article today. (Well, more like a reading... unless you consider a 3-page chapter from a book an article. But whatever, not the point.)

It was meant to be an extension of a professional/vocational/personal conversation we shared yesterday about helping people find perspective apart from our own, because we can't give it to them. Perspective in work. Perspective in relationships. Perspective in faith. And while meant to address some recent developments in my relationship and interactions with students and the places they find themselves, this conversation... the book we are readingand the discussions that take place in my women's small group... all of it is so very much for me as well.

I love how God has been weaving together very separate and distinct parts of my life with this same thread of perspective. Realizing His greatness, my life's brevity, and the intersection of how my life is meant to serve Him. Not in some later version of then, but now. And I'm most certain, or at least more so than I have been in a very long time, that my idea of serving has been so very skewed as grand or difficult or intolerable. I have not acted in faith, in the kind of way that impacts other people and not just my own life, in awhile and thank goodness, He's changing that.

So back to the chapter/article/reading.

In this article, Bill Hybels is talking about an interaction with Joni Eareckson Tada in which she credits her resiliency in ministry and life - her ability to continue "leading and serving and creating... despite her obvious physical challenges" - as such:

This is the only time in history when I get to fight for God. This is the only part of my eternal story when I am actually in the battle. Once I die, I'll be in celebration mode in a glorified body in a whole different set of circumstances. But this is my limited window of opportunity, and I'm going to fight the good fight for all I'm worth.

Hybels describes his response to her perspective as resolve, knowing that if he's "waiting for some other life to be courageous, than [he's] kidding [him]self."

And I wonder, simply because I know how true it is for myself, how many of us our kidding ourselves?

Hybels, Bill. (2008). Axiom: Powerful Leadership Proverbs. (pp. 187-189) Nashville: Zondervan.

Anchor For My Soul

I Will Rise
Chris Tomlin

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

I Will Rise - Chris Tomlin

Out of the Garage

I kind of had a rough end to my workday yesterday. Completely unrelated to work, but nonetheless distracting from it. I hopped in the car completely aware of a sort of bottomed-out feeling that I just couldn't shake.

In some odd twist of humor, as I started out from the bottom floor of the garage (two levels underground), I saw a squirrel frantically skirting along the edges looking for a way out. My first instinct was to question the possibility of him being down there, and then, when I recalled that any of the three access points at "ground level" could have given him entrance, it made a little more sense. Soon after, the sympathetic animal-lover / emotional-being that I am felt both a pity and a strange camaraderie. How would he find his way out? How would I find my way out?

Not out of the garage, of course. But out of this mess. This indelicate ripping off of a bandage that had been so mindlessly placed over what is now more than a year-old wound, and yet still feels so fresh. I talked with Cliff, I talked with Mom, I prayed. But you know what did it for me? A walk outside.

Sure, yesterday called for rain but there wasn't a drop of it and a cloudy sky couldn't deter me from throwing on my tennis shoes, a pair of shorts, my "I like switchfoot." shirt, and a hoodie and stepping out into it all, once I got home. On the drive home, I thought I wanted silence - space to think. But my route took me along a residential street with mild traffic that parallels I-65 less than a yard away, separated by a thin strip of trees and a barbed-wire fence. And strangely enough, the proximity was therapeutic.

I can't tell you how liberating it felt to walk so closely to an interstate that you literally feel the wind whip off the sides of every car driving by. I walk slow, they drive fast. And the sound was enough that I didn't have to think. Every car flying by seemed to take with it a small portion of the hurt, the burden, and the confusion, at least enough that it wasn't so all-consuming any longer.

The Lord is funny, I think. And I am grateful he knows me and prompts me to do some things sometimes that don't make sense. Most of what plagued me for hours yesterday afternoon just feels, well, it feels lighter. I couldn't tell him what was on my heart, but He knew and He used that walk to pull me out of the proverbial bottom floor of the garage... thank goodness.

Starting Out Right

Your Love is Strong
Jon Foreman

Heavenly Father, you always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life
Give me the food I need to live through today
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
Invade my heart, invade this broken town
The kingdom of the Heavens is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Our God in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

Your Love Is Strong - Jon Foreman

Just A Slice

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. -Ephesians 4:22-23

Longing For Jesus Like a Sourdough Yeast Roll

I have a problem. Okay, okay, so maybe I've got a couple. But for this particular blogging foray, I'm sharing one - one major one - which I find myself to be incredibly aware of at the moment.

You see, I'm a stress-eater. No, God did not, unfortunately, decide to gift me with the inability to eat when the going gets tough like some of you out there. You lucky ducks become like birds when things are difficult and manage to shed pounds without meaning to. The rest of us are stuck with this silly little habit that rides the waves of our anxieties, the pressures of life, and our emotions until we're left wondering why our pants are snug and we can't find the energy to do anything. Tribole and Resch, in their incredibly fascinating book Intuitive Eating, include the Emotional Unconscious Eater in their list of eating personalities and describe him or her as such:

...uses food to cope with emotions, especially uncomfortable emotions such as stress, anger, and loneliness. While Emotional Eaters view their eating as the problem, it's often a symptom of a deeper issue. Eating behaviors of the Emotional Eater can range form grabbing a candy bar in stressful times to chronic compulsive binges of vast quantities of food. (13)

I've been this way for as long as I can remember, without even knowing it for most of my life. It's like I become a different person - someone led largely by my appetites for everything that is not so nutritional and yet, oh so tantalizing. Dairy, bread, potato, and fatty products become my allies and anything remotely good for me just seems so unappealing. It's just how it's been.

I look back on this week, even this day, as evidence of the fact. Evidence of the fact that my stomach and my mind call back and forth all day long these questions to each other in a secret conversation: What will make me feel better? What will make me satisfied? What will give me comfort? And then I'm somehow the "victim", having eaten my way through a snack-sized bag of Doritos and two Oreos I wasn't even hungry for.

Take for instance, today. Want to know what I've been thinking about since I woke up this morning? No, not about how to cure AIDS, how to love the people around me, or how to do a better job. But instead, I've been thinking about sourdough yeast rolls. The most delicious bread product in the world, brought home as leftovers from our dinner last night with Aunt Joan at Barbara's Home Cooking. Even the whole drive home from work this afternoon, I kept thinking about what a delicious treat even just one would be, spread only lightly with a pat of butter and warmed in the microwave.

And then it struck me.

Whether it was the Intuitive Eater that has been slowly coming out from hiding within me or simply a divine prompting (I think, for me, those two truly go hand in hand), I realized that all of this is not so much a downfall as it is a condition that, if I look at it the right way, reminds me of the claims that Jesus made to His disciples by the shore of the Sea of Galilee, near Capernaum:

I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. (John 6:35)

And here He's talking about emotional hunger, not physical, and that's where I so often find myself. Filling my face, my mouth, my stomach with food that won't make me feel any less lonely, angry, stressed out, etc. It's because I forget that hard times are not meant to be fed by my appetite for food, but instead, for God. Time spent in silence and reflection, prayer and reading, and simply being present with the Lord (as He has been incredibly present with me). What my soul cries out for will never be satisfied by an afternoon snack of a sourdough yeast roll, and as much as my stomach would like to argue that point, I know it's true.

So okay, I won't ever give up on the idea of comfort food. I think, like Tribole and Resch, that "it's normal to have a repertoire of comfort foods" and that "eating [them] occasionally can be part of a healthy relationship with food, if you do it while staying in touch with your satiety levels and without guilt" (149). It's only when it becomes the "first and only thing that comes to mind to take care of you" when you're feeling bad that it becomes an issue.

Because not even the most delicious sourdough yeast roll in the world (or from Barbara's) can fill me like Jesus. And that's a fact.

I Love This

And couldn't have asked for a more appropriately timed word for me.
Just thought I'd share.

My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?

It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.

This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.

But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.

Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original. - Galatians 5:16-26, The Message

Today Is A Great Day!

Cliff slowly rises at 5:45 for his ritual of weekly breakfast with Burchett. Today is a great day! He kisses me on the forehead before getting out of bed. Did you know today is a great day? I mumble something rather unintelligible and fall back asleep. He returns to the room to say goodbye after showering, changing, and fixing his little Rubbermaid container of peanut butter (for the honey oat bagel he will purchase at Panera) and a travel mug full of milk. You will have a great day, today, honey, I just know it! Again, incomprehensible utterances fall from my tired mouth and I give him a kiss goodbye. Fast forward an hour and a half later and I'm still droning on in the land of Z's when I awake to his I'm-leaving-Panera-and-driving-to-work-now call. You ready for your great day?! "Sure, sure," I think, "whatever you say" which comes out something like, "I guess so..."

And before I know it, it was like I didn't even have a choice. I finally mustered all of the strength I had regained after resting for so long and got out of bed. I felt sore in that wonderful, yesterday-I-hiked-for-2.5-hours-with-one-of-my-best-friends sort of way. I just knew it was going to be a great day, and not in that peculiar stand out kind of way, but merely the recognition that any day can be a great day so long as you make it what you can. The Lord has made it, so sure, I'll rejoice and be glad in it! I must admit, the last three weeks have been full of great days because I'm finding how simply exhilarating it is to purposefully enjoy and take pleasure in life whether it's people, places, nature, foods, literature, history, etc.

So far this morning I've made a cup of dang-good coffee (I love the simplicity of regular coffee with good ol' milk and sugar), read through the stack of Franklin Review Appeals that have been building on the kitchen counter, sorted through another stack of coupons and catalogues that had also been accumulating, fixed myself a beautiful disaster that was formerly meant to be an omelet (with kielbasa, onions, spinach, mushrooms, AND red bell pepper), and was offered a pretty suh-weet deal from our apartment complex for renewing our lease once it ends in October (only an increase of $25 which we can lock in for eighteen months if we renew by tomorrow!)

I'll be leaving here in a few to head over to Lampo to join in a Writers' Club gathering they have for folks there who are pursuing the craft of writing. I am only a spouse, but I am honored to have been invited, though deeply anxious about the accountability that comes with these sorts of groups. I mean, now I really have to do this. After the gathering, I will have lunch with Cliff, stop by Whole Foods to browse and pick up some home-cleaning goods, and then return home for some tidying and some reading before we head out with the Hartleys to this year's Williamson County Fair! I am SO excited about the fair, let alone the food, the rides, and the chance to take some fun, colorful pictures (I've neglected our poor camera since our cruise).

So, nothing out of the ordinary. But ordinary can be great. It's just how you look at it.

And it goes without saying... (but I will)...

I hope you have a great day!

That's What Starbucks Was For

I don't know if it was the iced caramel macchiato, the new coldplay album on my iPod, or the sunshine coming through the tall windows, but I just spent a blissful hour and a half by myself at Starbucks. I wrote (with a pen and notebook, for a change) and dreamed, closed my eyes to take in the lyrics of songs I've listened to for weeks but haven't really listened to, and reflected on how sweet life is. (Molly, you'll be glad to know I'm using your Memoir volumes, finally.) I even curled my hair, put on a skirt and a necklace (and a top, of course, but what's so special about that?), and managed a swipe of blush before going there just to remind myself that beauty, while natural without those things, is enjoyable to accessorize.

I felt for the first time in a long time that everything really does matter, I can be alone but not lonely, that God is pleased with me, and that I, myself, have so much to take pleasure in.

Last night and today have been the culmination of what has felt like a pretty long-winded turning point for me. Cliff and I both shared words and tears just before bed, yesterday, over the struggle against fears that have plagued me my entire life. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of not being "enough" or even "good enough", and finally this newfound fear of losing all of those fears (who knew that was even possible?). I have felt pretty alone in all of this. It's easy to make even my husband who loves me so graciously, so kindly, and so unconditionally, an outsider in this season of transition and of learning. But he, more than anyone, has opened my heart up to simply living, never asking me to make up for my apparent lack of employment by doing something.

Our evening involved some required mending in the areas of our relationship where I had let the lies win out. Especially in the parts where I believed I was alone in all of this. And it always seems right when God is teaching me a lesson about loving and trusting Cliff, there's an even deeper lesson there to be learned about how I relate to Him.

So, that's what Starbucks was for.

Milk and Oreos

I am sitting here on my exercise ball (which is far too small and deflated to properly align me with the top of the desk, but oh well) enjoying an after-walk treat of milk and Oreos realizing how shocking it is, sometimes, to be loved by God. Have you ever thought about that, really? Forgive me if I assume anything about your religious or spiritual beliefs, but for the moment I'm talking about me and my faith tradition, or to put it bluntly and yet still in Christianese - my relationshp with God. I took a walk tonight after a long, but satisfying day and reflected upon everything that happens in a day like today and how I know that God, ultimately, is good and has my best interests in mind.

I spent most of the day putting the finishing touches on a service-learning course in Community Leadership that I have been designing for one of my class assignments, and I pictured myself, for the first time, as I sat there binder-clipping all of the loose ends together once it was all finished, really being able to do the things I love to do and am most passionate about when it comes to education and what a journey it has been to get to this point. I could seriously teach a class on this stuff and that's nothing I would have ever had the resources or confidence to do even months ago.

I took a lunch break that involved visiting the Vanderbilt Theatre for the first time to see one of my students' (yes, I love that my student) One Act play that she directed - her first ever and it's first showing, and I was there alongside one of my colleagues and a few of our other students. I felt, for the first time, a feeling of ownership and yet of humility that I am so incredibly blessed to do what I do and to know the students that I know and to have even some time left to get to know them better; I am going on a day-hike next week with one of my faves (I'm not really supposed to have them, but let's be honest, you just do) and I'm just so grateful that God knew I wasn't ready, months ago, when I thought I was to really start pursuing these relationships with student leaders.

And then tonight, after sitting in class for the last time of my first year of grad school with people who may not be my closest friends but I have come to respect as my future colleagues and peers, I was really overwhelmed with awe. Awe that nine months has almost passed since the day I first set foot on Vandy's campus as a student and a semi-professional and it has taken me this long to start to get it, and still I do not regret that because the joy of seeing summer come has turned into anticipation of who I will be when I set foot on campus again next August. I know things now that I didn't know then, and in some ways - it's like a second chance.

Speaking of second chances, I got something I was asking for from God today but it didn't look or sound or feel at all like I was expecting it to and it sucks. It sucks because I have to let go of something that has been sort of a crux, or a luxury if you will, that hasn't been altogether bad just not altogether right. I can imagine that this will be a challenging and refining process of opening up, releasing my grip, and finding myself empty-handed. But that's sacrifice, and sacrificing isn't something I have been incredibly good at in a long time. But it's exactly what I need.

Oh my, please forgive me for my vagueness, but the point of wearing my heart on my sleeve but having a jacket on over top of it is to point, yet again, to a faithful and caring God who hears me and knows (unfortunately and yet, fortunately) better than even the most understanding pesron in the world, truly what will draw me further into truth and light. How can a God who loves me so much, enough to make days like today that end with sunsets behind beloved places with a person you love and a brisk walk on a quiet neighborhood street, or even a cold glass of milk and four perfectly delicious Oreos, how could He not make what's on the other side of the picture even better than what I can see?

But you, O Sovereign Lord, deal well with me for Your name's sake; out of the goodness of Your love, deliver me. -Psalm 109:21