Every Last Bit

I am weepy, today. But thankfully, from a good place. Really, a beautiful place... where the promises of God suddenly flood into your heart and seem only to be able to escape from you in the kind of tears that blur your vision until they pour down your cheeks.

I wish I could tell you everything, but I don't really know how. Except that the realization, again, of who God is and has been in my life - particularly over the last few days - has been such a needed experience. Oh, I am independent. I am stubborn. And I have, for most of my life, believed that by doing things myself - on my own - they will not only a) get done but also, b) get done well. And then when they don't, I feel like a failure. 

But in that failure, if I let it be truly a point of learning and not wallowing, I can often see God again. I can known my need. And I can remember again that I AM NOT PERFECT. EVERYTHING IS NOT PERFECT. But it is all majesty, if we let us change our perspective.

So much of my life is dominated by fear and anxiety, and so few people really know that. Probably because I like to pretend it isn't the case. But there have been so many times over this past year, that, with the refining that has come with the changes going on inside of me, I haven't been able to pretend. I've had to be honest. And that honesty pushes me, fortunately, towards God and my need for Him. And anything I am capable of doing... being... knowing... it is BECAUSE of Him.

What have I to fear?

Which of my anxieties can He not take?

I can trust.

And in trusting, let go - more and more, every day.

We learn things, sometimes, as if we have never learned them before. I, instead, think of it as stages of learning the same thing. That as life progresses, our need to apply and understand simple truths will look different in all of those circumstances. And for me, this lesson of both opening myself up to the Grace of God and learning grace for myself has never been more profound than right now. Nor, was it more profound than my season of unemployment and self-discovery after finishing my masters. Or even before that, spending a half a year apart from a man I loved with all of my heart, not knowing exactly what our future held but hoping for God's best.

And now, as we draw closer to this newest season... I see it more clearly. Even if I can't understand it fully, I know that God is in the middle of every last bit of it.