Fourteen Years Ago

If you've heard me say, before, why having a November baby would mean so much to me - well, here it is again. But if you haven't, it's because I'm a sucker for milestones in my story. And for that, November is a goldmine. Apart from my own birthday in May and our wedding date in July, November is the month of major character introductions. Introductions to my story that alter it entirely... for the beautiful great grand good that my life has become.

I hadn't yet marked the passage of seven years with ol' Clifford on the blog yet, as that date is officially reserved for Saturday, but we did meet seven years ago - the first of this month, to be exact...

But today marks fourteen years. Fourteen years since my mom and I sat in an all-but-us-and-our-pastor's-wife empty Sunday School classroom and gave our lives to Christ. It was that night that I finally saw with such clarity and understanding, the truths about a man - and a God - I'd only really known of very, very casually the thirteen-and-a-half years of my life I'd lived before then. 

You see, I didn't grow up in the church the way a lot of people I know around here did. It was occasional relationship with the church I had, and by that, I mean for special occasions only. A Sunday mass with my dad's side for Christmas or Easter, weddings and funerals and christenings, and that's a lot of what I can remember. Nothing was every personal, it was just what you were supposed to do. Otherwise, life was just life and you sometimes gave thanks for what you had, but even that was nominal.

There is so much I could tell you about life up until the day I met... truly met and welcomed Jesus into my life. I didn't have an average thirteen and a half years on which to hinge my hope and trust - they were challenging. For the first time, I could see that night that God had been there all along, because as challenging of years as they were - an unseen hand had protected me when no one else really could. And not only had that hand protected me, but loved and cherished me in the way only a Creator truly can. The way I'd been longing to be known and treasured as a little girl who never got that, entirely. 

That promise, for me, was everything and I felt it to the very depths of my core. I was known and everything had a purpose and now I had full-unhindered access to the God behind it all. We drove away from church that night, and I swear to you, the sky was blacker and the stars brighter than they had ever been in my whole life. And still have been. What a shelter and refuge He became as thirteen-and-a-half years bled into some of the hardest years of my life - which would have been even more difficult had it not been for His leading.

And still He leads, now fourteen years later. Fourteen years that have been marked by unique seasons of seeing aspects of His character and finding Him refining pieces of my own. I have known no greater joy than knowing Him, nor have the joys He has introduced into my life been sweeter.

Every Last Bit

I am weepy, today. But thankfully, from a good place. Really, a beautiful place... where the promises of God suddenly flood into your heart and seem only to be able to escape from you in the kind of tears that blur your vision until they pour down your cheeks.

I wish I could tell you everything, but I don't really know how. Except that the realization, again, of who God is and has been in my life - particularly over the last few days - has been such a needed experience. Oh, I am independent. I am stubborn. And I have, for most of my life, believed that by doing things myself - on my own - they will not only a) get done but also, b) get done well. And then when they don't, I feel like a failure. 

But in that failure, if I let it be truly a point of learning and not wallowing, I can often see God again. I can known my need. And I can remember again that I AM NOT PERFECT. EVERYTHING IS NOT PERFECT. But it is all majesty, if we let us change our perspective.

So much of my life is dominated by fear and anxiety, and so few people really know that. Probably because I like to pretend it isn't the case. But there have been so many times over this past year, that, with the refining that has come with the changes going on inside of me, I haven't been able to pretend. I've had to be honest. And that honesty pushes me, fortunately, towards God and my need for Him. And anything I am capable of doing... being... knowing... it is BECAUSE of Him.

What have I to fear?

Which of my anxieties can He not take?

I can trust.

And in trusting, let go - more and more, every day.

We learn things, sometimes, as if we have never learned them before. I, instead, think of it as stages of learning the same thing. That as life progresses, our need to apply and understand simple truths will look different in all of those circumstances. And for me, this lesson of both opening myself up to the Grace of God and learning grace for myself has never been more profound than right now. Nor, was it more profound than my season of unemployment and self-discovery after finishing my masters. Or even before that, spending a half a year apart from a man I loved with all of my heart, not knowing exactly what our future held but hoping for God's best.

And now, as we draw closer to this newest season... I see it more clearly. Even if I can't understand it fully, I know that God is in the middle of every last bit of it.

Weekend Report: 8/52

It's quite the rarity that in this entire month, we will spend every weekend at home. In fact, originally, we weren't supposed to be here this past weekend. But a forgotten commitment and a sick bunch in Cleveland, and we were staying put.

I'll be honest, as much as it's nice to visit family - I love being home.

I love waking up on Saturdays to earn myself some bonus points for taking a class at the gym, before 10 o'clock, no less.

I love having time to share a pot of coffee with Cliff, this weekend french press, and the last of the first bag of Ethiopian beans my mom brought back from her mission trip last fall.

I love being able to be there for a friend. Really be there, with no regard to plans or schedules because this is a weekend free of them.

I love church, and following through a study without interruption.

I love brunch at the Daily Dish. If you live in Franklin and haven't been, go next Sunday. For real.

I love that Cliff makes his free time available to the serving his county, and that this weekend, he got to fight and put out a half-acre brush fire.

I love getting so much done on our projects list, we start to make up things. Or, at least, remember that our cars haven't been detailed or properly washed in eons and now might be a good time to do that.

 

I just love having time. Time to see things like the sunset reflected on the hood of your freshly-washed car - such a normal and mundane thing, really - and yet to wonder and find beauty in it.

 

It's probably weird, but I've been thinking about that last picture a lot. About how much it reminds me of what marriage can be. An upside down, yet perfect reflection of the world aright - of beauty as it was intended to be - somehow showing on the surface of a thing that can be so mechanical. But apart from its mechanics, it is a canvas just the same.

I pray, for us and for every married couple - just as every weekend or week day unfolds, that in all of the normalcy - all of the drudgery - all of the mundane - that we see that God is making something beautiful out of us. Because the truth is, He is, no matter whether we see it or not.

Being Rooted and Established in Love

I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. - Ephesians 3:16-21

An Every Morning Celebration

There's nothing like a weekend in the woods to set my mind aright. From a bonding and planning retreat with my students to a time spent camping and hiking with friends, I feel like my heart is in a place it hasn't been in awhile.

Not one that's necessarily better, persay, just simpler. More grounded, less distracted, more focused and intent. It makes everything different and offers perspective. Perspective that takes what has felt like a string of months of busy mornings to one of calm - peace - reflection - and wonder. One that gave me the ability to see this day and its importance in a way I could not have just a couple of days ago.

Today, my mom and I celebrate our twelfth "spiritual" birthday. November 16th marks the day the two of us sat on metal folding chairs in a tiny Sunday school room in our church at the time and became believers. In that moment, we asked to give up everything we knew on our own to take the fullness that is a relationship with an incredibly relational God.

It's been a journey for the both of us individually, and I am thankful for every bit of it and namely that I share it with the woman who brought me into the world. That my rebirth, if you will, is shared with her is something I couldn't have asked the Lord to do more perfectly.

And so I celebrated, with a cup of tea, my favorite breakfast scramble, and some time spent studying in Ephesians. Sounds like a grand ole' party, doesn't it? Well to me, it does. It's the kind of habit I want every day to start with, seeing the beauty in simplicity and recognizing how everything must start in the place I know to be most secure, most true, and most present.

Call it an every morning celebration, if you will.

Quite The Journey

I keep sort of feeling like all of this house stuff is so beyond anything we could be orchestrating. I waver between being completely overwhelmed with gratitude and, I'll admit it, fear that somehow all of this shouldn't be lining up this way.

Just this morning we confirmed with a great couple who are friends of friends that they will be taking over our lease here at the apartment two thirds of the way through October. I wish I could begin to tell you how incredible this is. First, that our complex who does not allow subletting or transferring of leases between separate parties (who are not already roommates) would like us enough and be kind enough to let us do this. Second, that someone would come along so fast to even consider doing this (sending us into a frenzy last night de-cluttering our apartment before they came to view it). Third, that we'd have some cushion between our closing date and when we'd have to be fully out of the apartment giving us time to pack, clean, paint, etc. And fourth, admittedly most exciting, that we will save almost $2800 which is what the extra rent and penalties for breaking a lease would have cost us. Unbelievable.

Funny enough, just after that confirmation, I got my first taste of the feeling of bottoming out when I realized the money I'd transferred from our money market into our checking account on Monday (after making the offer and attaching an Earnest Money check) posted a day after the check was withdrawn. Gulp. Lord knows the money, and more, was there to cover it in every other account not to mention the money market from which the money was to come. But still.I went into panic mode and barely had three words out before I was blubbering on the phone with a bank customer service representative. Poor guy. Within minutes everything was taken care of. And not because I was blubbering or because he felt pity for me, but because naturally before the realty check was returned the bank was smart enough to realize the money was there and the guy said in cases like this a bank will always offer a courtesy overdraft fee waver. I mean, really?

I have to say, only because I am feeling the weightiness of my obligation, that we believe God is in every bit of what's transpired in the last week or so. And NOT because things are turning out the way we want them. I hate to imagine what we'd think of this whole thing even weeks ago when we were still believers who thought that good behavior=good results and vice versa. Probably pride. Arrogance. Self-satisfaction.

And while there aren't still traces of those awful little tendencies, somehow I feel like the themes from even just our last month spent in counseling (which I highly recommend for every couple, even at the pinnacle of your relationship!) and in conversation about what it means to deny the flesh and follow God and about the end result of our lives not being happiness but giving glory to our Creator, have made this all feel so very different.

We're on pins and needles around every turn. And while fear still rears its ugly head and tells me that something has got to turn for the worse on this journey, I am so beyond hopeful that we will continue to see God's hand in this endeavor whatever the results.

Thanks for joining along with your encouraging words and support!

Ah, That's Better

Just barely starting to skim the surface of our backlog of Washington photos and was in need of some inspiration. Didn't realize it'd end up cause for a blog revamp.

It's hard to believe we've only been back for two weeks.
It feels like it's been two months.

Sometimes when a memory from the trip comes to mind, I shut my eyes real tight like they're a camera shutter. Freezing in time that image in my mind to hold onto always, the same way I did when the memory itself was made. Thank goodness I journaled like a mad woman while we were out there.

It's not just Washington.
It's being away.
With Cliff.
Outside.

I miss having space in my brain, hope in my heart, and adventure in my blood.
Now it's too many distractions, resignation, and convenience... and it is draining.

And I had once felt so full.
So, we've gotta keep filling up.

Funny thing I often forget is that the source is always the same, though the setting may change.

And that's the part I can count on, no matter what. Because I can only live off the fuel that a vacation, rest, and recuperation offer apart from the chugging along of everyday life. And I don't want to live in the past, Lord knows I've learned my lesson in that.

So how's about I stop talking wistfully about Washington?
That is, until I write my obligatory "review post" of the goings-on and whereabouts of our trip. (Because you know that's coming... eventually... when the pictures are posted... eventually.)

Sound good? Good.

Tolerance

Hey everyone! Cliff here. I know it's been a while like usual but I thought I'd take a second to post a little something that I heard this morning and was thinking about a little today. This morning for our staff devotions at work a pastor came to speak to us. It was a little different than normal but still very interesting. Most of what he spoke about was a word that we commonly hear thrown around a lot, "Tolerance." He went on to speak and quote some things about the current affairs of Christianity and Islam throughout the world today. Mainly though he focused on Europe and North America. I don't believe that this guy was pushing any particular agenda but was instead expressing a very real issue and problem that our culture and others are facing throughout the world as it relates to the spread of Islam.

That being said, that is not what I was thinking so much about because I pretty much agreed with the things that he said based on my past experiences and travels. In the beginning of his talk he quoted Aristotle and what he once said about Tolerance. Here is the quote:

Aristotle: "Tolerance & apathy are the last virtues of a dying society"

So my question that I asked myself today was, "am I tolerant?" And if so, "what am I tolerant of?" Also, "Am I too tolerant?"

One thing that I have always thought that was funny for example is how many people push and fight for Christians and individuals from a Christian background and culture to be "tolerant" of them and their cultures & religions, however, it does not seem as though they do not reciprocate that back. Maybe I am missing a little something, but that is what I see from my end. Why is it that we have to always be the ones who are quiet and do not stand up for ourselves? Are we ashamed of who we are? Do we really not believe in what we say we do? Would we actually be willing to die (as many Muslims do for example) for the sake of our beliefs?

Whether you're a Christian or not, I think that it's an interesting thing to ask yourself. I think that it may be something that most of us are not that comfortable talking about as well.

Also, here is another point. If you are a person who says that there are no absolutes in the world, just by making that statement are you not stating that there is in fact an absolute?

So, that being said...what do YOU think??? What your thoughts on this? What's your gut reaction? What do you think will happen to our society in the next 25-50 years? I would honestly be interested in knowing what you think if you would like to share. If not...then you can just ignore this post as a crazy "Cliff Rant" and my lovely wife will make up for me with a great post here soon. (Also, if you've actually taken the time to read this far...thanks for putting up with my rant.)

Yes, yes...

"God has a better plan to relieve our stress. The Lord leads us to "lie down in green pastures" in order to revive and refresh us emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Whenever I think of green pastures, I think of warm summer days when my dad and I would lie down on the soft green grass in the yard. We didn't have a care in the world. We simply rested and discussed the floating clouds hanging in the sky. Perhaps your green pasture is a quiet moment in your favorite chair, a walk on the beach, or curling up in bed with a good book.

The truth is, God never put us in charge of everything, just certain assignments. While the stress and pressures of our duties can deplete us, God has not left us empty. He desires to refill all of our dry places so we have supply for tomorrow. The secret is stealing away with God to places of unending rest." - Micca Campbell (Greener Pastures.)

John Eldredge on "Time Out"

What an incredibly challenging concept.

I can't help but see how true this often is in my own life. How often I have lived in that "third kingdom" without recognizing the "reality presented [in Scripture] allows for only two kingdoms" and that "Any life or joy or rest comes only as we abide in God, and walk with him. Not through this mythical time out I want to cling to."

What do you all think?

I'm Not Ashamed

In fact, I'm thankful that something like this:



and the entire "Planet Earth" DVD series (as well as "Hoppipolla" by Sigur Ros) brings me to tears. For me, it's impossible to separate my love for nature and for wildlife from an awareness of and sometimes a deep understanding of God's creative and awesome majesty.

Wow. Just, wow.

What Life Are You Waiting For?

My boss handed me an article today. (Well, more like a reading... unless you consider a 3-page chapter from a book an article. But whatever, not the point.)

It was meant to be an extension of a professional/vocational/personal conversation we shared yesterday about helping people find perspective apart from our own, because we can't give it to them. Perspective in work. Perspective in relationships. Perspective in faith. And while meant to address some recent developments in my relationship and interactions with students and the places they find themselves, this conversation... the book we are readingand the discussions that take place in my women's small group... all of it is so very much for me as well.

I love how God has been weaving together very separate and distinct parts of my life with this same thread of perspective. Realizing His greatness, my life's brevity, and the intersection of how my life is meant to serve Him. Not in some later version of then, but now. And I'm most certain, or at least more so than I have been in a very long time, that my idea of serving has been so very skewed as grand or difficult or intolerable. I have not acted in faith, in the kind of way that impacts other people and not just my own life, in awhile and thank goodness, He's changing that.

So back to the chapter/article/reading.

In this article, Bill Hybels is talking about an interaction with Joni Eareckson Tada in which she credits her resiliency in ministry and life - her ability to continue "leading and serving and creating... despite her obvious physical challenges" - as such:

This is the only time in history when I get to fight for God. This is the only part of my eternal story when I am actually in the battle. Once I die, I'll be in celebration mode in a glorified body in a whole different set of circumstances. But this is my limited window of opportunity, and I'm going to fight the good fight for all I'm worth.

Hybels describes his response to her perspective as resolve, knowing that if he's "waiting for some other life to be courageous, than [he's] kidding [him]self."

And I wonder, simply because I know how true it is for myself, how many of us our kidding ourselves?

Hybels, Bill. (2008). Axiom: Powerful Leadership Proverbs. (pp. 187-189) Nashville: Zondervan.

Anchor For My Soul

I Will Rise
Chris Tomlin

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

I Will Rise - Chris Tomlin

Out of the Depths

We are never more in touch with life than when life is painful, never more in touch with hope than we are then, if only the hope of another human presence to be with us and for us.

Being a good steward of your pain involves all those things, I think. It involves being alive to your life. It involves taking the risk of being open, of reaching out, of keeping in touch with the pain as well as the joy of what happens, because at no time more than at a painful time do we live out of the depths of who we are instead of out of the shallows. There is no guarantee that we will find a pearl in the depths, that our pain will have a happy end, or even any end at all, but at least we stand a chance of finding in those depths who we most deeply and humanly are and who others are. ... What is perhaps most precious about pain is that if it doesn't destroy us, it can confer on us a humanity that needs no words to tell of it and that can help others become human even as they can help us. - Frederick Buechner

(from "Adolescence and the Stewardship of Pain" in Secrets in the Dark)

Out of the Garage

I kind of had a rough end to my workday yesterday. Completely unrelated to work, but nonetheless distracting from it. I hopped in the car completely aware of a sort of bottomed-out feeling that I just couldn't shake.

In some odd twist of humor, as I started out from the bottom floor of the garage (two levels underground), I saw a squirrel frantically skirting along the edges looking for a way out. My first instinct was to question the possibility of him being down there, and then, when I recalled that any of the three access points at "ground level" could have given him entrance, it made a little more sense. Soon after, the sympathetic animal-lover / emotional-being that I am felt both a pity and a strange camaraderie. How would he find his way out? How would I find my way out?

Not out of the garage, of course. But out of this mess. This indelicate ripping off of a bandage that had been so mindlessly placed over what is now more than a year-old wound, and yet still feels so fresh. I talked with Cliff, I talked with Mom, I prayed. But you know what did it for me? A walk outside.

Sure, yesterday called for rain but there wasn't a drop of it and a cloudy sky couldn't deter me from throwing on my tennis shoes, a pair of shorts, my "I like switchfoot." shirt, and a hoodie and stepping out into it all, once I got home. On the drive home, I thought I wanted silence - space to think. But my route took me along a residential street with mild traffic that parallels I-65 less than a yard away, separated by a thin strip of trees and a barbed-wire fence. And strangely enough, the proximity was therapeutic.

I can't tell you how liberating it felt to walk so closely to an interstate that you literally feel the wind whip off the sides of every car driving by. I walk slow, they drive fast. And the sound was enough that I didn't have to think. Every car flying by seemed to take with it a small portion of the hurt, the burden, and the confusion, at least enough that it wasn't so all-consuming any longer.

The Lord is funny, I think. And I am grateful he knows me and prompts me to do some things sometimes that don't make sense. Most of what plagued me for hours yesterday afternoon just feels, well, it feels lighter. I couldn't tell him what was on my heart, but He knew and He used that walk to pull me out of the proverbial bottom floor of the garage... thank goodness.

Starting Out Right

Your Love is Strong
Jon Foreman

Heavenly Father, you always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life
Give me the food I need to live through today
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
Invade my heart, invade this broken town
The kingdom of the Heavens is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Our God in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

Your Love Is Strong - Jon Foreman

I Was Upset

...that the guy didn't hear Cliff say "large" when we ordered chili cheese tots at Sonic, that I couldn't find any tissue to blow my nose with, that my throat was dry and itchy and has been causing coughing fits all day, and that there wasn't enough vanilla in my vanilla coke.

And then by way of FlowerDust, I happened upon this video:



Perspective isn't the word... I feel small.

I am grieving and wishing that I didn't have to run to the grocery store less than a mile away from our apartment in just a few minutes because on every box, down every aisle, in every cart, I will see the images of children just like Sam and Esther and know how little I am doing.

I want to do more.

Longing For Jesus Like a Sourdough Yeast Roll

I have a problem. Okay, okay, so maybe I've got a couple. But for this particular blogging foray, I'm sharing one - one major one - which I find myself to be incredibly aware of at the moment.

You see, I'm a stress-eater. No, God did not, unfortunately, decide to gift me with the inability to eat when the going gets tough like some of you out there. You lucky ducks become like birds when things are difficult and manage to shed pounds without meaning to. The rest of us are stuck with this silly little habit that rides the waves of our anxieties, the pressures of life, and our emotions until we're left wondering why our pants are snug and we can't find the energy to do anything. Tribole and Resch, in their incredibly fascinating book Intuitive Eating, include the Emotional Unconscious Eater in their list of eating personalities and describe him or her as such:

...uses food to cope with emotions, especially uncomfortable emotions such as stress, anger, and loneliness. While Emotional Eaters view their eating as the problem, it's often a symptom of a deeper issue. Eating behaviors of the Emotional Eater can range form grabbing a candy bar in stressful times to chronic compulsive binges of vast quantities of food. (13)

I've been this way for as long as I can remember, without even knowing it for most of my life. It's like I become a different person - someone led largely by my appetites for everything that is not so nutritional and yet, oh so tantalizing. Dairy, bread, potato, and fatty products become my allies and anything remotely good for me just seems so unappealing. It's just how it's been.

I look back on this week, even this day, as evidence of the fact. Evidence of the fact that my stomach and my mind call back and forth all day long these questions to each other in a secret conversation: What will make me feel better? What will make me satisfied? What will give me comfort? And then I'm somehow the "victim", having eaten my way through a snack-sized bag of Doritos and two Oreos I wasn't even hungry for.

Take for instance, today. Want to know what I've been thinking about since I woke up this morning? No, not about how to cure AIDS, how to love the people around me, or how to do a better job. But instead, I've been thinking about sourdough yeast rolls. The most delicious bread product in the world, brought home as leftovers from our dinner last night with Aunt Joan at Barbara's Home Cooking. Even the whole drive home from work this afternoon, I kept thinking about what a delicious treat even just one would be, spread only lightly with a pat of butter and warmed in the microwave.

And then it struck me.

Whether it was the Intuitive Eater that has been slowly coming out from hiding within me or simply a divine prompting (I think, for me, those two truly go hand in hand), I realized that all of this is not so much a downfall as it is a condition that, if I look at it the right way, reminds me of the claims that Jesus made to His disciples by the shore of the Sea of Galilee, near Capernaum:

I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. (John 6:35)

And here He's talking about emotional hunger, not physical, and that's where I so often find myself. Filling my face, my mouth, my stomach with food that won't make me feel any less lonely, angry, stressed out, etc. It's because I forget that hard times are not meant to be fed by my appetite for food, but instead, for God. Time spent in silence and reflection, prayer and reading, and simply being present with the Lord (as He has been incredibly present with me). What my soul cries out for will never be satisfied by an afternoon snack of a sourdough yeast roll, and as much as my stomach would like to argue that point, I know it's true.

So okay, I won't ever give up on the idea of comfort food. I think, like Tribole and Resch, that "it's normal to have a repertoire of comfort foods" and that "eating [them] occasionally can be part of a healthy relationship with food, if you do it while staying in touch with your satiety levels and without guilt" (149). It's only when it becomes the "first and only thing that comes to mind to take care of you" when you're feeling bad that it becomes an issue.

Because not even the most delicious sourdough yeast roll in the world (or from Barbara's) can fill me like Jesus. And that's a fact.

I Need Africa

Mocha Club, an organization Cliff and I have supported and have had the privilege of working with for a couple of years now, has launched a new campaign today. This campaign reaches me in a place that is hard to describe. Because I know I need Africa.

I feel it in my soul sometimes, when I hear a choir of voices singing. When I look at pictures from my trip. When I remember what it was like to hold the hands of children in a tiny village off a desolate bush road. When I think of drawing my fingers through the dirt and hearing the laughter of tiny voices. When I remember climbing "the hill" to the top of Dar's campus and seeing all of the city in one breathtaking sweep. When I think of the smiles of the students I spent my days with.

Both Cliff and I have seen firsthand the faces and lives full of joy and peace in a land typically thought of as dark and void of life. It is so not that. It is so not anything it's easy to believe it is...

We both recognize that our respective times there with the people of two different countries were more filling for our own souls than we believe we could have ever given.

Anyways, I'll let the campaign speak for itself.

A Prayer Before Heading Out

...Christ with me. Christ before me. Christ behind me. Christ within me. Christ with the soldier. Christ with the traveler. Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me. Christ in every eye that sees me. Christ in every ear that hears me. Praise to the Lord of my salvation! Salvation in Christ the Lord. -St. Patrick