Finding Community

...and needing your prayer.

It has now been a little over two years since we left our previous church and the base, there, that was our Nearly/Newlyweds class. By that time in our relationship, Cliff and I had been attending TPC for five years and had been in a College Sunday School class together and then after getting engaged, joined the group that would become for us a great foundation for our marriage and some great friendships, today - friends who've also long-since left TPC but remain in our lives in varied ways.

In the two years since we left, we have found a great home at our new church. Well, at least a home for Sundays (and the occasional Saturday evening). We love the teaching, the heart for global involvement, and the focus of the church. I have been involved in some Women's Bible Studies over the past three "semesters" and we went on a mission trip together with FBC to Germany our first summer with the church. But still, we struggle.

And it's the struggle of finding community together. We haven't been in a common-group setting since our days at TPC, despite having led or participated in men's and women's groups separately over the last couple of years. We have loved everything about our time there so far, but it has taken a lot of work and disappointment to get into a tighter, smaller community with the church as a whole. Groups not working out because of our schedule, because of co-workers in the make-up, because of well, because of a lot of things. Every time a group was presented to us, the door was shut before we'd even made it to the first meeting. 

Just recently, we thought that had finally all come to an end. It was a long-shot, applying for a group - a two year marriage intensive commitment - for which we technically didn't qualify because we had just eclipsed the range of years married and also the childless demographic they were looking for, but we thought - why not? Why not try? And so we did, and we were accepted, and had a good time meeting with the handful of other couples who would be joining us as well as our leaders at a recent informational meeting. While I still couldn't quite shake the feeling of being a teensy bit different than all of the other couples in the group, we felt a sense that it wouldn't have happened - we wouldn't have been accepted - we wouldn't have even been in that room were it not supposed to happen. We looked forward to our first real get-together this Sunday evening.

And then we missed a call last night from our leader which was returned this morning, and as strange as this sounds, it was like I knew. I just knew. As much as the first feelings that washed over me were disappointment and offense, there was also immediate peace that no matter what, we had to trust. A peace that lingered until even now when Cliff just called to let me know that, yes, they had reconsidered our participation because of how much our having a baby within a month of the group starting would affect its dynamic. 

So here Cliff and I sit, now no longer connected by the telephone "lines" where neither of us really knew what to say or what to do next or really even how to exactly comfort the other - and processing what this means. Processing the feelings of confusion, of disappointment, and uncertainty. I appreciate the resources the leader offered to Cliff in wrapping up their phone call and cannot blame them at all for doing what they felt was best for the larger group. But where does that leave us? We got the proverbial invitation in the mail, had already RSVP'ed yes, only to hear from the hosts that our coming was no longer entirely welcome.

Part of me wonders why the door even opened in the first place.

Part of me hopes it just means there is something else.

Part of me trusts that eventually, we'll get there.

But right now I just keep thinking about how the prospect of settling into a group like that while still facing that unknown transitioning of Virginia's coming, gave us an excitement - a freshness of learning and study and relationships - that is now dashed. And as many other problems as there are in the world, this one hits just close enough to home that we could use your prayers.

Yes, yes...

"God has a better plan to relieve our stress. The Lord leads us to "lie down in green pastures" in order to revive and refresh us emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Whenever I think of green pastures, I think of warm summer days when my dad and I would lie down on the soft green grass in the yard. We didn't have a care in the world. We simply rested and discussed the floating clouds hanging in the sky. Perhaps your green pasture is a quiet moment in your favorite chair, a walk on the beach, or curling up in bed with a good book.

The truth is, God never put us in charge of everything, just certain assignments. While the stress and pressures of our duties can deplete us, God has not left us empty. He desires to refill all of our dry places so we have supply for tomorrow. The secret is stealing away with God to places of unending rest." - Micca Campbell (Greener Pastures.)

Anyday Link Love

Evidently, I've fallen away from my Friday tradition.
And I'm not sorry one bit.

But I want to share this with you. Because I think it'll probably warm your heart as much as it did mine. At least, I hope that it does.

A Day For Hope

I don't know about you, but there are days when I watch the news, listen to talk radio, and hear general conversation about "the economy" and I start to wonder why my life seems relatively untouched. Because fear is everywhere... but most days, it's the last thing I remember to feel.

Have I just drank the Kool-Aid and bought into some belief about the security of our life together - spiritually, emotionally, and financially - that is just a denial of the inevitable? People's lives are truly being touched by the changes our country's financial situation has seen over the last year or so, and you can't help but see it in the unemployment statistics on the radio and the "For Sale" signs you see when you drive down the street.

Fortunately in this time adversity, we've seen that many lives have also been changed for the better and will continue to be so. For many the touch has been a call to action. A call to take control. A call to surrender to a life of peace and hope in their finances, in their marriages, and in their everyday journey. To me, that's what tonight's Town Hall For Hope event with Dave Ramsey is all about.

And sure, I'm biased. I count that a fortune, in this day in age. We have been so blessed by the knowledge, the culture, the perspective, and the financial savvy that's been imparted to us in the time Cliff has spent and will continue to spend at Lampo. I don't regret the decisions we've made to save, to forgo the luxuries some might call essential, to give more, and to still live with so much freedom to do and pursue the things we love. I don't think you reading this or anyone could fault us for that.

But Town Hall For Hope is so much more than a rallying cause for the "way of Dave Ramsey" - it's about someone who cares about people and is committed not to selling a product but to infusing hope into the lives of America that he's willing to go out on a limb and say the things that are so counter-culture that you can't help but think he's crazy. And he doesn't care. And I love that about Dave, and I love that about most of the 250-or so employees (my husband included) plus their spouses who remind me everyday that being weird is so good.

I could go on and on with my own personal perspectives on what tonight means to me and the hope that we have been praying for just over a month now will be infused into people's lives. Into hundreds of thousands of people's lives. But I would challenge you - if you have the time, are just now finding out about this, and aren't already planning to go - find one of the 6,000+ locations closest to you that is broadcasting the evening this evening at 8PM (Eastern) / 7PM Central / 7PM Pacific and go. Bring a friend or your family. And if you can't find a location nearby or are locked to your couch for some inexplicable reason, watch or listen.

This is a day... a year... a lifetime for hope. If you're looking for some, I can guarantee you'll find some tonight if you go.

No Resolutions

Just hopes.

Things that, if I could attain them in 2009, I believe would put me in a better place for 2010. Things that I think would make me a better person - more fulfilled and more like the version of me that I am meant to be - than I was in 2008.

So, this is what I'm thinking about this Sunday morning, January the 4th.

I want to be a better disciple. I have, in the last eleven years of my faith journey, had some really unique periods of growth. Times where I clung to my faith in the Lord because I knew it was truly the only thing that gave any and all of this meaning. I have found it more difficult in the good times, to grow the same way. And I'm kind of tired of that. There's so much good and bad happening in the world today - to our families and to people we love - that no matter how rosy our present situation is in life, we need God no less. And I don't always live like that. I don't study the scriptures or pray with the same tenacity when things are right as when things are wrong. And I think to follow Christ and to truly be a disciple, it means to have the spirit of learning and growing in Him everyday. And I want that for my life because it pours into every other part of my being because it is the source of my being.

I want to be a better wife. Surprise, right? No really, though, it's a novel concept and I'd very much like to serve Cliff in ways that honor both him and the Lord. Too often I am riddled with emotions that get the best of me. Plagued by selfishness that unfairly takes the best from Cliff. And sometimes too consumed with getting things right that I fail to see the value in my mistakes. I want to learn to compromise and to communicate much more effectively this year. And I guess, just to love more truly and deeply.

I want my family and friends to know they matter. I think I've really dropped the ball on this. Probably because my whole life, I've let moving away, transitions, and big things cloud my ability to be the one who calls... the one who makes plans... the one who does nice little things for no reason at all. I have become selfish in this area - particularly in the last year or so. Partially as a means of self-defense (who likes getting rejected, time and time again?) and partly because of frustration. Frustration that maybe I will always be that person who takes the first step, though I'd give to not have to every once in awhile. But how's that worth anything if the people I love most in this world don't know exactly what they're worth to me.

I want to flourish in creativity. Right now, I've got a lot of focus going on this photography stuff. And rightfully, so. It goes without saying, I want to continue with that - moving from practice to true service. Overall, though, I'd really like to develop a deepened knowledge and skill base in my photography while not losing my sense of passion and direction with writing and other creative means. I know that if I can not just hold onto but grow in these, that will set the stage for years to come. And I've got to keep reading and journaling, too, because it's incredible how much more freshly I can think when those two acts are habitual.

I want to lead well. Because the truth is, I'm finally leading. Now don't get me wrong - I know titles and jobs aren't what define an individuals role as a leader. But right now I've got responsibilities and relationships in my life sphere that I didn't have just a few months ago, nor was I expecting. I want to be incredibly graceful, mindful, and intentional about serving in my job in a way that belies my still growing confidence in myself and matches the confidence I should have in the God who put me here. I'd also like to step out beyond this role into some sort of community group or bible study for women, particularly those whom I know are seeking the same thing right now and just don't know where to find it. Let me know if that's you.

And I want to stop the struggle, once and for all. I've debated putting this one in plain language because in this medium, I've only ever been so candid about a certain aspect of my story. But I want to, because, well as some others have said about this kind of airing of dirty laundry, it holds within it a glint of accountability. So here goes... I have fought, tooth and nail, since a very early age to learn to love my body. It never occurred to me that the pursuit of some sort of ideal that was set by anyone else was wrong and a misguided way to try to live life. I know everyone struggles with this in different ways. But I have let myself become so victimized by what was done and said to me about my weight throughout the years, that I have now become my own enemy as an adult. No one else but me, now, is asking too much and not giving enough. No one else but me is letting the lies continue to play over and over again like a record that someone forgot to take off the phonograph. And I want to stop that, once and for all. I can proudly say that 2008 was the year I ended my struggle with an eating disorder I have had for nearly half my life. And I'd like for 2009 to be the year I get into the best shape of my life - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually - and know that I am treating myself and my body with the care and respect it deserves. This might or might not have a number attached to it, but I'm a little less worried about that right now.


So, here's to hoping the best for 2009.