It Never Fails...

But this time, it was different. I cried, sure - I mean, no matter how hard I try - I can't help but cry. I'm a crier. In the midst of tears, though, I asserted myself - I asserted myself, because this time I was fed up. Sick and tired. Exhausted. Over it. I was over the drama that has been playing out for months over minor details that turn into the same thing over and over again. And it's not any one person's fault - really - it's just everything, everyone.

We are not getting married in Maryland, we are not getting married in Virginia Beach, and we are not getting married in Cleveland. We are getting married in Nashville. This... this is my home. It's not about anything but that, and I'm tired of being sorry if it appears otherwise. I can't even begin to express how thankful I am for the people are who are making such great big sacrifices to join us here in July. And that's the point - we're going to be here, getting married in July (in 39 days) and it's no use bringing up a different point that's moot and wouldn't have been an option to begin with.

I'm the one in the middle, and for the most part - that's left me feeling overwhelmed and kind of bitter that no one else is dealing with all of the stuff I'm dealing with. But today, I realized how useless bitterness is in light of the blessing this challenge can be and what this whole process may be doing to my character... to my will... to my perseverance. It's a learning experience.

We've got big, involved families, both Cliff and I. Big involved families from very different parts of the country (who knew how much of a difference 500+ miles could make) with different customs and stereotypes and opinions about this wedding I'm trying my hardest to mediate on behalf of both, because that's my role in this. Our families don't know each other, and it's been mostly my plight to do the best job at painting the most accurate pictures for both because a great deal of the love in my life is wrapped up in all our parents, siblings, grandparents, nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles, and cousins (which totals seventy-eight people and that doesn't include our cousins' children).

Why raise a fuss over nothing, right? Be frustrated, sure - we ALL get frustrated. I'm dealing with this more than anyone and I'd put all the money and worldy goods I own on that; even that doesn't give me a right to huff and puff about what I could have had or should have had or anything. But please don't tell me I've lost sight of the big picture. The big picture isn't just about Cliff and I and it's also not solely the great lengths of money or travelling or time (which all, of course, equals sacrifice) that everyone else is making to be at selfish-little ol' Kristine and Cliff's wedding in Nashville, Tennessee. It's a whole heck of a lot more than that - for sure.

I imagined, after I got off the phone feeling stronger and more grounded (though still blubbering and trying to control my crying-pace breathing), pretending like today was one of those days where Jake is my one-day-future-kid and I'm looking at life from the role as a wife and a mother and that being my family. The family that is mine to protect and support with every bit of strength, fire, and passion in my heart, mind and will. The family that everyone else will have their opinions about and their desires for, but that Cliff and I, with God's leading - will make and raise.

And then, you know what I did? I played with Jake, and I spent some time in prayer, I talked to Cliff and my Mom, and went on with the day - running errands and taking care of a darling one-year old. I am not mad, I am just beginning to feel settled in my own skin in a part of me that was always to afraid to speak up, to question, to fight back. No matter what happens in the next 5+ weeks, Cliff and I are beginning a new life together as one, which means one day starting a family, merging two existing families and hopefully accomplishing even more of God's purposes for us while we're here on this earth.

So, there. In past times, I would have walked away from something like this feeling more afraid, more upset, more everything I hate. This time, I felt stronger. Strong enough, even, to answer the phone four hours later, without an inch of anger in my body, and know that everything's going to be okay.