No Resolutions

Just hopes.

Things that, if I could attain them in 2009, I believe would put me in a better place for 2010. Things that I think would make me a better person - more fulfilled and more like the version of me that I am meant to be - than I was in 2008.

So, this is what I'm thinking about this Sunday morning, January the 4th.

I want to be a better disciple. I have, in the last eleven years of my faith journey, had some really unique periods of growth. Times where I clung to my faith in the Lord because I knew it was truly the only thing that gave any and all of this meaning. I have found it more difficult in the good times, to grow the same way. And I'm kind of tired of that. There's so much good and bad happening in the world today - to our families and to people we love - that no matter how rosy our present situation is in life, we need God no less. And I don't always live like that. I don't study the scriptures or pray with the same tenacity when things are right as when things are wrong. And I think to follow Christ and to truly be a disciple, it means to have the spirit of learning and growing in Him everyday. And I want that for my life because it pours into every other part of my being because it is the source of my being.

I want to be a better wife. Surprise, right? No really, though, it's a novel concept and I'd very much like to serve Cliff in ways that honor both him and the Lord. Too often I am riddled with emotions that get the best of me. Plagued by selfishness that unfairly takes the best from Cliff. And sometimes too consumed with getting things right that I fail to see the value in my mistakes. I want to learn to compromise and to communicate much more effectively this year. And I guess, just to love more truly and deeply.

I want my family and friends to know they matter. I think I've really dropped the ball on this. Probably because my whole life, I've let moving away, transitions, and big things cloud my ability to be the one who calls... the one who makes plans... the one who does nice little things for no reason at all. I have become selfish in this area - particularly in the last year or so. Partially as a means of self-defense (who likes getting rejected, time and time again?) and partly because of frustration. Frustration that maybe I will always be that person who takes the first step, though I'd give to not have to every once in awhile. But how's that worth anything if the people I love most in this world don't know exactly what they're worth to me.

I want to flourish in creativity. Right now, I've got a lot of focus going on this photography stuff. And rightfully, so. It goes without saying, I want to continue with that - moving from practice to true service. Overall, though, I'd really like to develop a deepened knowledge and skill base in my photography while not losing my sense of passion and direction with writing and other creative means. I know that if I can not just hold onto but grow in these, that will set the stage for years to come. And I've got to keep reading and journaling, too, because it's incredible how much more freshly I can think when those two acts are habitual.

I want to lead well. Because the truth is, I'm finally leading. Now don't get me wrong - I know titles and jobs aren't what define an individuals role as a leader. But right now I've got responsibilities and relationships in my life sphere that I didn't have just a few months ago, nor was I expecting. I want to be incredibly graceful, mindful, and intentional about serving in my job in a way that belies my still growing confidence in myself and matches the confidence I should have in the God who put me here. I'd also like to step out beyond this role into some sort of community group or bible study for women, particularly those whom I know are seeking the same thing right now and just don't know where to find it. Let me know if that's you.

And I want to stop the struggle, once and for all. I've debated putting this one in plain language because in this medium, I've only ever been so candid about a certain aspect of my story. But I want to, because, well as some others have said about this kind of airing of dirty laundry, it holds within it a glint of accountability. So here goes... I have fought, tooth and nail, since a very early age to learn to love my body. It never occurred to me that the pursuit of some sort of ideal that was set by anyone else was wrong and a misguided way to try to live life. I know everyone struggles with this in different ways. But I have let myself become so victimized by what was done and said to me about my weight throughout the years, that I have now become my own enemy as an adult. No one else but me, now, is asking too much and not giving enough. No one else but me is letting the lies continue to play over and over again like a record that someone forgot to take off the phonograph. And I want to stop that, once and for all. I can proudly say that 2008 was the year I ended my struggle with an eating disorder I have had for nearly half my life. And I'd like for 2009 to be the year I get into the best shape of my life - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually - and know that I am treating myself and my body with the care and respect it deserves. This might or might not have a number attached to it, but I'm a little less worried about that right now.


So, here's to hoping the best for 2009.