Too Long

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I can't believe it's been two-days shy of two months since I updated this blog. It's been too long.

I've only updated my other, on a personal level, two times in that span. Of course, that's two times more than not-at-all, but still. Blogging has taken a backseat. And by backseat, I mean really the trunk... nay, the bumper. It's just not at the top of the list.

But, while I have a moment, I figured I might as well. A moment later in a day in which other brief moments were spent being productive and knocking off the to-do list... so I sorta feel like I can be a bit frivolous and you know, blog. Ah, frivolity.

Life is so different with Virginia around. It's amazing that it has been eleven weeks and three days since she came into our world, because in so many ways it feels like more than that. And in a million other ways, it feels like less. We are coming into the days of a more calculable rhythm, though, just when I think I've got it, she surprises me and we adjust. And while adjusting has never been something I'm particularly fond of nor good at (I have only ever been forced to do so), I'm learning to bend in ways that are not only good for me but necessary.

Being a mother is singularly the hardest and most wonderful thing I have done with my life, apart from committing it to Christ and to Cliff. This takes something from me that is replaced a thousand-fold and it is an all-day, everyday. While I say that, I find now that I'm gaining a few more minutes of each day for myself and when I wake her up from a nap I am surprised at the surge of wonder and astonishment I feel as I remember, yes, this is my child. I think that's telling, only in that so much of my mind and heart was consumed in the earliest of days that now, she has her own space as the other parts of my life resume theirs. My work. My relationship with the Lord. My marriage. Not that any of those things didn't still have their place... it's just I think I have more to offer them, finally.

And they were consumed because that's just how it is with your first, a first who has been so very sweet and yet not without challenge. Virginia has reflux and an aversion to dairy, we've seemed to finally conclude, but that meant weeks of trying to figure out what was wrong. Because something clearly was, and nothing is harder than knowing you are doing everything possible and still, your baby is in pain. I'm committed to breastfeeding her exclusively and have from the start, but feeling the source of woe in your newborn's life sure made this momma battle with herself over the matter. But after five weeks now of being on her prescription and two and a half weeks of me going off dairy, things seem to be leveling out. We still have our kinks in the line, but overall, she's a much happier baby and a happy baby makes a happy mom. But even better, I'm learning that happiness isn't the same as joy and joy abides with peace and I can have that whether my baby is happy or not.

A lot of people ask about sleep. Sleep is - well - it's what it is. I had struggled so much with that, wondering what everyone else (did I mention I know A GAJILLION other mommas with babies around the same age or so as V) was doing and wondering why it seemed so many of them already have newborns sleeping through the night. And by sleeping through the night, I'm not talking the 5 hours stretches the experts define it as, but like 8-10 hours that would afford us the same opportunity. BUT. Here's the thing. Nothing I can do nor any amount of worrying about it has made our reality any different. We've got a mixed bag when it comes to her first and longest stretch - anywhere from 4.5-7.5 hours... go figure - and we go to bed at night knowing that accepting what we're given is the best and only thing we can really do. So that's what we do. We wake up, give each other a kiss, walk into her nursery, gather her from the crib, change her diaper, nurse, put her back to sleep, and then repeat whenever it's time to do so. And goodness, having the head space to actually hear the Lord's instruction has helped in that area so very much. I realize now more than ever that it is just a season and so, to cherish the beautiful and wonderful parts of it and to let Virginia develop at her own pace and to teach her to trust, is all that is asked of me and I can give up long stretches of sleep for that.

And the days are so bright as we're in such a fun stage right now with her smiling, laughing, and conversing with us in her own sweet way. I shared a bit of the nuances of our day-to-day in this post and it's true that nothing is more amazing than watching a baby discover the world around her, including you. Sometimes I feel tears well up when I sit at home with her on my lap, watching her watch me and smile. I have loved being liked by other people's children, but the feeling of being a delight to your own child is just an over-the-moon experience and I get that so many times a day, everyday, and for that I couldn't be more grateful.