So Much More

It's a Sunday morning. I'm alone. Settled on the chaise lounge with a pillow and the laptop, looking out over our frontyard through half-opened blinds. It's raining - steadily - and expected to do so throughout the day. I'm holding out hope there'll be some good lightning and thunder thrown in. I need comfort.  

Not necessarily because Cliff is gone this weekend (rafting with the guys) or because I am, in fact, by myself. But because I've just got that ickyness that comes from not having my heart and mind in the right places. That is, using what's going on around me as a barometer for how I should be feeling about myself. So, maybe here in a few I'll fix myself a cup of coffee and trade the laptop for a book, or my bible, or my journal. Just something besides this hunk of metal which somehow sends me into portals of self-loathing when I least expect it.

Oh, there was the thunder. Ah, my soul feels better already.

We all just want to matter. To succeed. To be happy. And sometimes, when we aren't feeling or doing those things and then we see what seems to be EVERYBODY ELSE doing so, it feels like some conspiracy. Like everyone's out to be awesome so you aren't. Or whatever. I don't know. And then I sit here and laugh because someone out there is thinking the very same thing when they throw me into the pile of social media "friends" who seem to have everything they want. And it's true, while I may not have all I want, I certainly have all I need and MORE. So much more.

And right now, I matter and am succeeding and am happy if only because the most important things in my life - my faith and my family - are healthy. That I've got a home to not just live in but enjoy, immensely - pining for the comfort of my lovely bed and green-filled views when I'm not here. A home I happen to share with the kind of man who leaves post-its with sweet messages tucked away in random places throughout the house for me to find in his absence. Who, in every way, is the kind of man I can count on to pull me through - and who is an adoring dadda already to Lil' Turkey. Oh, and Lil' Turkey. I've been so aware these last couple of days of his or her presence - throughout the day - in dreams - in all my thoughts. I've had dreams about the baby these last two nights straight and though one was entirely bizarre, the other was so real and left me half panicked (for preparation, not for fear) and half disappointed to not have it be true in that moment.

So what if my own photography business is a little slow (though by appearances and schedule, I'm as busy as ever - just playing a supporting role to photographer friends) or my social life is a little dim - if that's all it is... if that's all I have to even dream of complaining about... what is my deal? There is so much more and everything has its season and right now, mine might just be this way to give way to the other things that need a little attention right now.

Now about that. I think right about now is a good time to trade out the computer for my coffee and bible, don't you think?