I think it was somewhere between half of my face hiding behind my pillow and our playful resolve to finally get ready for the day that I was struck, yet again, by gratitude for our brand of marriage.
At this point, we were close to thirty minutes into a difficult morning conversation marked by tears and misunderstanding and frustration over how little we'd seen each other this week. And how the little we had seen each other was littered by my growing resentment and loneliness. And how that "growingness" is my modus operandi. Which doesn't make me a fun person to be around.
In these situations - these conversations - an outsider would assume it is imbalanced. I am the processor, to the core; Cliff, the talker. And when I'm trying to make sense of things by thinking and he's trying to make sense of things by talking, you can only imagine the possible backfiring and backtracking and explaining and prompting that occurs. And yet, somehow we find the give and take of moments where I respond and he listens. Where we just look at each other quietly, really look at each other - or at least the half of my face not hiding in the pillow. Then there are those most natural moments where Cliff and I do "our things" - the talking and thinking, respectively.
Out of all that, it's not always the solutions that are most important.
Sure, we determined that setting and sharing expectations with each other for the time we do have in the busy weeks we've had here lately might be a good place to start. Or too, that making room for just a few more shared experiences in the day - like waking up a little earlier to work out or eat breakfast together - can make up for those we're having or choosing to have separately.
Solutions are all well and good; the reason, in fact, we were having the conversation.
However, it is the conversation being had. The give and take. The world of difference there is between our mode of relating - conversing - solving - and yet our walking away more convinced of the goodness and the rightness of the other person. It is all those things which I believe are most important. And that, my friends, is true progress.
Progress for which I am infinitely grateful for and will always be.
At this point, we were close to thirty minutes into a difficult morning conversation marked by tears and misunderstanding and frustration over how little we'd seen each other this week. And how the little we had seen each other was littered by my growing resentment and loneliness. And how that "growingness" is my modus operandi. Which doesn't make me a fun person to be around.
In these situations - these conversations - an outsider would assume it is imbalanced. I am the processor, to the core; Cliff, the talker. And when I'm trying to make sense of things by thinking and he's trying to make sense of things by talking, you can only imagine the possible backfiring and backtracking and explaining and prompting that occurs. And yet, somehow we find the give and take of moments where I respond and he listens. Where we just look at each other quietly, really look at each other - or at least the half of my face not hiding in the pillow. Then there are those most natural moments where Cliff and I do "our things" - the talking and thinking, respectively.
Out of all that, it's not always the solutions that are most important.
Sure, we determined that setting and sharing expectations with each other for the time we do have in the busy weeks we've had here lately might be a good place to start. Or too, that making room for just a few more shared experiences in the day - like waking up a little earlier to work out or eat breakfast together - can make up for those we're having or choosing to have separately.
Solutions are all well and good; the reason, in fact, we were having the conversation.
However, it is the conversation being had. The give and take. The world of difference there is between our mode of relating - conversing - solving - and yet our walking away more convinced of the goodness and the rightness of the other person. It is all those things which I believe are most important. And that, my friends, is true progress.
Progress for which I am infinitely grateful for and will always be.
"We must come to face our [self-protective] style [of relating], of course... And as God reveals those things, we make those thousand little choices to turn from our style of relating. We make deliberate choices to love. If you have been avoiding conflict... then you say: 'Conflict is okay. Let's talk about these things. I'll go there with you.' If you have been avoiding intimacy, then you say: 'I need you. I don't want to be this island, this impenetrable force. I choose to engage.' If you have been controlling, then let go of control. If you've been hiding, then come out of hiding. If you have been filled with anger, then set aside your anger and choose to be vulnerable." - Eldredge, Love & War
2 comments:
oh girl, i can relate :)
praying you two have a great, restful week and plenty of moments with quality time with one another with great conversations. oh how we need a week like that too. :) - ash
Umm, yeah. We should toooootally get coffee soon.
I might suggest a book that has changed things on our turf..."His Needs, Her Needs". Ignore the subtitle and run to the store to pick it up. I wish we'd had this book years & years ago...
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