Not Really Sure

What's going on. Or when it started. Or who it involves. Or why it's happening.

But I'm in a funk.

I'm tired. My back and stomach are killing me. I feel disconnected from the whole wide world. I'm jealous of a lot of things, not the least of which is the sort of people who can just up and go hang out with The Pioneer Woman at The Lodge. It's like I ordered, unknowingly, a tall bitter glass of frustration with a slice of discouragement. Out of nowhere.

I am what is often called a malcontent.

Or just a woman with very little perspective and far too many grievances for someone as blessed and as loved as she is. But I just don't feel it. I'm in a perpetual state of being that is really sort of like that movie Groundhog Day. You know... the one where the weather guy wakes up to the same day everyday. At first it's sort of great because you feel like you have the upper hand and what goes wrong on any given day is cause for improvement on the next.

But then, somewhere it goes awry. Not because anything is wrong but because it's just not right. I feel stuck. And though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it still feels pretty far away and sort of like it might take some time to recover.

Today I have wished for moments where the floor might just open up beneath me and I'd drop into some sort of glorious abyss where my normal life once existed. Where every morning started with breakfast with my best friend at our tiny two-person table in our tiny one bedroom apartment. Where I packed lunches and planned meals and cooked. Where the workday didn't live on in my dreams and be cause for such exhaustion. Where I took pictures that were great of people who were fantastic. Where I read books during my lunch break and felt connected to my friends - to women I really care about.

Pooey, I say.

Thank God things like this don't last long. I mean, as much as I think I want to feel this way, I really don't and I know I don't really have a right to. There are many things bigger, more important, and far more significant than these.

Thank goodness He still cares anyways.

...thanks for listening.