I Don't Like Cake

Okay seriously, you probably don't believe me.

In most any form, it's true. The drier it looks, the worse off I feel about taking a bite. I've just never been much of a cake person. Cake batter, yes. Ice cream cakes, yes. Even cupcakes, mostly yes. (Again, it's about the look.) As a kid, I rarely ever enjoyed normal cakes for my birthdays (though my aunt is a spectacular cake decorator), so my parents resorted each to buying me Carvel cakes. Which I can't say I ever complained about. Mmmm.

For some bizarre reason, the most excited I have ever been about a normal cake was at our wedding and it was pretty good. When I went in for the sampling, I explicitly marked my opinions based on the moistness of the cake, both in appearance and taste. My memory of it on the actual day-of is probably skewed by the beauty and wonder of the moment, but I remembered liking it.

An average sheet cake, however, is repulsive to me, though you'd probably never know it - because let's just face it - it's socially unacceptable to not eat cake. I hide my disdain well and often push off the large portions that remain of my piece of cake to my husband. I mean, think of how much the idea of celebrating any sort of accomplishment (like turning older is an accomplishment?) is associated with cakes. We're not all just rolling out the carpet for brownies or cookies on which to write exclamatory messages to each other (okay, okay, in some cases that does happen).

So where am I going with this?

Back to the moisture factor.

I do love the rare cake that looks like it's swimming in some sort of dewy goodness. I make this Mountain Dew cake that I have to say is pretty amazing. Thank God for Paula Deen. It's citrusy, moist, and dense and just wonderful; it has probably been, until just a few minutes ago, my favorite cake to eat (and occasionally crave). Well, no longer.

You see we have this vendor whose wife makes this cake that people have been telling me about for months. I've known this vendor for awhile outside of Belmont but had never heard about The Cake. And lo and behold, we were visited today by the vendor carrying, in arm, a Macy's bag holding The Cake. Now in description, I thought I might like it more than loathe it. But when I peeled back the aluminum foil to take a look, it was familiar and comforting, bundt-shaped like my Mountain Dew cake but it just had this quality about it, this dewiness and richness that just cried out for a bite. Or two.

If this were the cake people meant when they said "oh yeah, there'll be a birthday cake there!" or "hey, wanna piece of cake?" or "you can have your cake and eat it too!" my life would be different. I'd love cake. I'd probably come to every party I was ever invited to just for the cake.

But alas, if it ain't The Cake or at least my Mountain Dew cake, I'm pulling your chain when I say I love it. Unless you've somehow mastered the art of capturing dewiness, well, then I'll be your best friend and you'll never have to want for at least one person to come to your party.

And finally one word of advice from a cakeaphobic to the cake-bakers of the world:

Don't tell me it's moist, show me.