That's What Starbucks Was For

I don't know if it was the iced caramel macchiato, the new coldplay album on my iPod, or the sunshine coming through the tall windows, but I just spent a blissful hour and a half by myself at Starbucks. I wrote (with a pen and notebook, for a change) and dreamed, closed my eyes to take in the lyrics of songs I've listened to for weeks but haven't really listened to, and reflected on how sweet life is. (Molly, you'll be glad to know I'm using your Memoir volumes, finally.) I even curled my hair, put on a skirt and a necklace (and a top, of course, but what's so special about that?), and managed a swipe of blush before going there just to remind myself that beauty, while natural without those things, is enjoyable to accessorize.

I felt for the first time in a long time that everything really does matter, I can be alone but not lonely, that God is pleased with me, and that I, myself, have so much to take pleasure in.

Last night and today have been the culmination of what has felt like a pretty long-winded turning point for me. Cliff and I both shared words and tears just before bed, yesterday, over the struggle against fears that have plagued me my entire life. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of not being "enough" or even "good enough", and finally this newfound fear of losing all of those fears (who knew that was even possible?). I have felt pretty alone in all of this. It's easy to make even my husband who loves me so graciously, so kindly, and so unconditionally, an outsider in this season of transition and of learning. But he, more than anyone, has opened my heart up to simply living, never asking me to make up for my apparent lack of employment by doing something.

Our evening involved some required mending in the areas of our relationship where I had let the lies win out. Especially in the parts where I believed I was alone in all of this. And it always seems right when God is teaching me a lesson about loving and trusting Cliff, there's an even deeper lesson there to be learned about how I relate to Him.

So, that's what Starbucks was for.