Milk and Oreos

I am sitting here on my exercise ball (which is far too small and deflated to properly align me with the top of the desk, but oh well) enjoying an after-walk treat of milk and Oreos realizing how shocking it is, sometimes, to be loved by God. Have you ever thought about that, really? Forgive me if I assume anything about your religious or spiritual beliefs, but for the moment I'm talking about me and my faith tradition, or to put it bluntly and yet still in Christianese - my relationshp with God. I took a walk tonight after a long, but satisfying day and reflected upon everything that happens in a day like today and how I know that God, ultimately, is good and has my best interests in mind.

I spent most of the day putting the finishing touches on a service-learning course in Community Leadership that I have been designing for one of my class assignments, and I pictured myself, for the first time, as I sat there binder-clipping all of the loose ends together once it was all finished, really being able to do the things I love to do and am most passionate about when it comes to education and what a journey it has been to get to this point. I could seriously teach a class on this stuff and that's nothing I would have ever had the resources or confidence to do even months ago.

I took a lunch break that involved visiting the Vanderbilt Theatre for the first time to see one of my students' (yes, I love that my student) One Act play that she directed - her first ever and it's first showing, and I was there alongside one of my colleagues and a few of our other students. I felt, for the first time, a feeling of ownership and yet of humility that I am so incredibly blessed to do what I do and to know the students that I know and to have even some time left to get to know them better; I am going on a day-hike next week with one of my faves (I'm not really supposed to have them, but let's be honest, you just do) and I'm just so grateful that God knew I wasn't ready, months ago, when I thought I was to really start pursuing these relationships with student leaders.

And then tonight, after sitting in class for the last time of my first year of grad school with people who may not be my closest friends but I have come to respect as my future colleagues and peers, I was really overwhelmed with awe. Awe that nine months has almost passed since the day I first set foot on Vandy's campus as a student and a semi-professional and it has taken me this long to start to get it, and still I do not regret that because the joy of seeing summer come has turned into anticipation of who I will be when I set foot on campus again next August. I know things now that I didn't know then, and in some ways - it's like a second chance.

Speaking of second chances, I got something I was asking for from God today but it didn't look or sound or feel at all like I was expecting it to and it sucks. It sucks because I have to let go of something that has been sort of a crux, or a luxury if you will, that hasn't been altogether bad just not altogether right. I can imagine that this will be a challenging and refining process of opening up, releasing my grip, and finding myself empty-handed. But that's sacrifice, and sacrificing isn't something I have been incredibly good at in a long time. But it's exactly what I need.

Oh my, please forgive me for my vagueness, but the point of wearing my heart on my sleeve but having a jacket on over top of it is to point, yet again, to a faithful and caring God who hears me and knows (unfortunately and yet, fortunately) better than even the most understanding pesron in the world, truly what will draw me further into truth and light. How can a God who loves me so much, enough to make days like today that end with sunsets behind beloved places with a person you love and a brisk walk on a quiet neighborhood street, or even a cold glass of milk and four perfectly delicious Oreos, how could He not make what's on the other side of the picture even better than what I can see?

But you, O Sovereign Lord, deal well with me for Your name's sake; out of the goodness of Your love, deliver me. -Psalm 109:21