So Much Stuff

Do you ever just feel nervous for no reason at all? Occasionally this happens to me: I find myself in the middle of doing something and notice that sort of anxious feeling associated with being nervous. I think, "what in the world?" and after coursing through my mental path taken over the last however long, I can usually pinpoint some sort of agitation or at least see how a combination of things lead to that feeling. It sucks, really - it's like my brain registers for one moment that I am disturbed and even if I am no longer thinking about that thing, my body continues to follow suit. There's a disconnect then, because I feel like something is in my gut but I have no idea quite what or if I do, why it's still even there.

This happens a lot when I've got too much stuff on my plate. Even just now, the nervous episode I was talking about had to do with the fact that for a week, I have been trying to coordinate the schedules of seventeen undergraduates to find one common weekly training time. Their schedules just don't align and that means we're probably going to have to schedule them for 7am in the morning sometime during the week (enter anxiety). Already, my schedule is so full with work outside of my regular work hours, not to mention class and what I should be doing for class (reading, writing papers, studying-most of which I'm finding difficulty doing), the thought of tacking on another meeting makes my insides crawl. But it's what I have to do, I guess.

That's the challenge I have been facing so far this semester... to step it up when it feels like there's no room left to step - while still balancing everything I carry. Because I am not just my assistantship or my schoolwork, I am not just my wedding or my relationship with Cliff, I should be a friend too and haven't really had the time to be that to some people who mean a lot to me. I haven't really expressed that, I don't think, because there's a grace I know I have and an understanding I hope the world has for a person who is just busy, so busy even extra effort has to be made to keep up the most important thing in my life which is my relationship to God and time for myself. Whatever that means for me, whether it's being active, spending time in prayer, reading, journaling or just being... I'm not willing to let that out of the equation either right now.

So yeah, that's where I'm at - I don't know that it's a matter of priorities so much as it is making the most of my time and hoping that any aspect of my life that gets short-changed will persevere through this season, whether it's my grades, my friendships, or my level of sanity. I just hate that anxious feeling and I'm going to do my best to keep it at bay and find both content and peace no matter what the next few months look like.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)