I've Been Going At This All Wrong

So, I think I've figured out why I seem to go through phases in writing on here - I put too much darn pressure on myself! Gah! When I started using Blogger alone, it was because I wanted to simplify and yet, bring meaning to the the things I write. I had spent years alternating between sharing the daily details of life and expounding upon profound life lessons that I was just tired of feeling like a different person everywhere I was - a person who could one day be inspired and one day be less than. Blogger seemed the perfect new outlet - simple - clean - not about comments and subscriptions but about pure thought.

What I didn't realize I was doing, though, was limiting myself, not by coming here but by how I approached writing here. All along it's been a struggle, simply because I felt like my skill should go to a whole new level and that that's what the masses (which, of course, don't exist) wanted. But by not letting myself simply "be", instead of trying so hard "to be" as I have proved very capable of doing - I've diminished... my skill, my expression, my ability to discern and share life's wonderful truths in all of the beauty and chaos and pain and joys that I've been experiencing all along. Every day, thoughts seem to flutter around in my mind and because I'm too afraid I won't do it well - I don't share.

But I'm tired of that, quite honestly. I'm tired of expecting too much from myself when the best of me is lying still under the surface, afraid to disappoint the image of what I should be. I will just be what I am. And that is what I am going to try my best to do from here on out... more for my sake than anything. My hope is to start writing here often enough that there begins some sort of progression of thought - not only so people who read this can keep up with what's going in my life, but so that I can begin to paint my own picture of the Story, atleast how I'm seeing it.

Because really, that's what all of this is about.

Speaking of things that matter, I leave in exactly five weeks for Tanzania. It's hard to believe all that has taken place in about four weeks of praying, planning, preparing - I have less than half of my support left to raise, less than half of my shots left to get, and a good amount of time to spend thinking and dreaming about what role I will play in those two weeks of ministry to university students. This is especially exciting in light of the work I'm doing here at Vanderbilt, both in the classroom and in the office. As I learn things in class and learn new skills on the job, I try to imagine the faces of students I will meet at Dar Es Salaam, students whose lives will change mine probably forever and I cannot help but be excited! Excited to learn, to give, to receive, and to come back and share.

There are moments, of course, where it seems so big and life-changing, though, that I want to turn tail and run. But that's a good kind of fear I think, a fear of the unknown; atleast my experience is that it is good when you decide to face it and not turn away. I could choose to do the safe and sensible thing and stay right here in America, especially with enough things here to keep me busy and feeling useful. But I cannot deny the sense of joy and expectation I get when things keep falling into place here: a word of encouragement from a complete stranger, an unexpected support check from a too-often unseen friend, a passport in the mail that nearly brings me to tears, time of fellowship and training with my team members, and even simple things like starting a team blog (see link on right). And when I say that things "fall into place," I do not mean to make it seem as though things are perfect and easy - because when is life ever? What I mean is that I believe with my whole heart that God has ordained this trip, and I trust Him for every bit of strength, wisdom, provision, and protection I could ever imagine needing in both the preparation and the journey itself.

It's good. It's really good.